


Five's A Crowd

by hawkeyesbutt



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: CAPTAIN SQUAD, Captains, Crack, Fake Boyfriend AU, M/M, but with like 5 fake boyfriends, daishou esp omg, i fucking love them all, oikawa needs help getting out of a date
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-04
Updated: 2016-12-04
Packaged: 2018-09-06 11:38:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8749183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hawkeyesbutt/pseuds/hawkeyesbutt
Summary: New Notification from Hinder:  Oikawa Tooru  needs help. Will you help him?  Kuroo Tetsurou's a good friend. Good enough to help out a friend in need on a bad date.





	

**Author's Note:**

> this is dedicated to rin (amanaikanoka.tumblr.com) who created this idea with me! i found the conversation the other day saved to my laptop for future reference and figured i'd finally write it! i hope it turned out okay. 
> 
> sorry i haven't written anything for a while. writing block + fuck tons of uni work + hectic social life = no writing. but ah well. hope you enjoy!

**_New Notification from Hinder:_ **

_Oikawa Tooru needs help. Will you help him?_

Kuroo breaks out into a grin the moment he sees the message. He’d never thought he’d end up using an app like this before, but with his friends having terrible taste in dates, he was often the only one around who could help to free them from it. He clicks the ‘yes’ button and is sent Oikawa’s location. Kuroo clicks on it, finding out it’s the small burger joint a few streets away. Not the classiest place for a date. Oikawa really knows how to pick them. 

Kuroo tugs his jacket on, then his shoes, before leaving the house and following directions to the restaurant. Oikawa is by far the person who uses the app the most amongst his friends; he’s going on dates almost frequently, for one reason or another, with the scummiest guys he can find. Kuroo doesn’t understand it exactly, but he’s not about to complain when it means he gets to cause a scene and embarrass Oikawa. He remembers one of his favourite Hinder moments with Oikawa; Oikawa had gone on a date with Ushiwaka, on what Oikawa had blushingly explained was for a bet which was taking a rather wrong turn. Oikawa had chosen, upon losing the bet and being forced to take the other man out for dinner somewhere, to take him to McDonalds; only for Ushiwaka to turn up in a three-piece suit with a bouquet of flowers. Even Oikawa felt guilty for that one, himself showing up in sweatpants and a dirty t-shirt. Kuroo laughed under his breath remembering Oikawa’s tantrum after escaping. 

_“Am I the scummiest person in the world, Kuroo? Am I?"_

_“Yeah, pretty much."_

_“Fuck you, make me feel better! Oh my god, I can’t believe he - he turned up in a_ suit, _surely he knew this wasn’t gonna be a proper -"_

_“You broke that poor man’s heart."_

_“Oh shut up!"_

Kuroo steps through the door into the diner, spotting Oikawa almost immediately, sat in the middle of the restaurant across from another nameless douchebag who looked like they were talking just a little too much. Oikawa was barely nodding along, staring at his phone mostly. Kuroo wondered why he didn’t just up and leave himself, before remembering that Oikawa considered himself to be a gentleman, and wouldn’t leave unless someone intervened. Kuroo takes a deep breath and readies himself, before stomping over to Oikawa’s table. 

“Tooru?” Kuroo calls, voice sharp. Oikawa turns around in his chair, surprised. 

“Tetsu-chan? What are you…” Oikawa trails off as he plays along.

“Who is this?” Kuroo says, coming to a stop in front of their table and pointing at the befuddled date. 

“He’s just a friend, Tetsu-“ Oikawa starts.

“A friend? Tch, this is a date, isn’t it?” His date responds, which fake-outrages Kuroo even further.

“You’re on a _date?”_ Kuroo splutters. “Tooru, what the fuck?! I’m supposed to be your boyfriend!” 

“We were on a break, Tetsu-chan,” Oikawa says calmly, like he’s already run through this scenario several times in his head before now. 

“Oh, _were_ we now?” Kuroo says, folding his arms over his chest. “Well if you ask me what _I_ think-"

Before Kuroo can even finish, another voice intervenes. 

“Oikawa? What’s all this?” Bokuto’s boisterous voice drowns them all out as he wanders over, looking upset and confused. “Are you cheating on me?"

“What are you talking about?” Kuroo says, surprised to see Bokuto here. He must have gotten a notification from Oikawa too, not that he accepts it often. Despite being the most dramatic person Kuroo knows, Bokuto isn’t the best actor, or the best at improv. It still warms Kuroo’s heart to see him there, adding onto the ridiculousness surrounding them all. “Tooru is _my_ boyfriend. Who do you think you are?"

“Who the fuck are you? I’ve been with Oikawa for a year,” Bokuto claims, crowding in close to Kuroo.

“I’ve been with him for two!” Kuroo screeches, them both reeling around to face Oikawa.

Oikawa laughs nervously. “Boys, lets be reasonable-"

“What’s reasonable about this? You broke my heart-“ Kuroo’s voice breaks on the last word and he looks away, pretending to cry. 

“Tetsu-chan…” Oikawa says, getting to his feet. He reaches out for him but Kuroo pushes him away.

“Don’t touch me!” He yells, tears coming down his face. “I know-" He sniffs a little, “- I know things weren’t great between us lately… But I never thought that you would…” He shoves his face into Bokuto’s shoulder, who’s staring at the floor, downtrodden.

“Bo-chan, are you mad at me?” Oikawa says quietly.

“Of course I’m mad,” Bokuto says, his fists clenched at his sides. “Why didn’t you… Why didn’t you tell me? I thought we were doing fine… Did I do something wrong?"

“Of course you didn’t!” Oikawa says, caressing his cheek. “You were perfect, it’s me, it’s always me… I’m sorry, Bo-chan-"

“Oh, so you apologise to him and not to me?” Kuroo snarls. “We’ve been together 2 years and this is how you fucking treat me?” 

“Tetsu, will you just-"

“No! I loved you!” The whole diner goes quiet at Kuroo’s fake confession, Oikawa even halting at the emotion in his voice. “You have no idea… How deeply I love you… And to watch you treat all these other men like you used to treat me… It’s not fair, Tooru,” Kuroo cries, “It’s not fair!"

“Tetsurou,” Oikawa says, before he kisses him. Kuroo kisses back fiercely, thinking _this wasn’t part of the deal but I’ll go with it_ and opening his eye just enough to watch Oikawa's date's horrified expression. 

“What is going on here?” A familiar voice booms from the doorway. Oikawa and Kuroo break the kiss to look up at the newcomer, seeing a terrifying figure making their way towards them with an expression of venom. 

“Who invited you?” Kuroo says before he can even stop himself. 

Daishou comes to a firm stop beside him, arms crossed. “I’m so sorry for not introducing myself. I’m Daishou Suguru, and I want to know why you happen to be sucking face with my _fiancé.”_

“Your _fiancé?!”_ Kuroo, Bokuto and Oikawa’s date all yell. 

“Yes, my fiancé,” Oikawa says firmly, before sliding a hand around Daishou’s back. “Suguru darling, you know this is all some big mistake - I would never betray you -"

“Tooru…” Kuroo says quietly. “You… You already had someone before me?” 

“I know my Tooru-kun can be a little flirtatious,” Daishou says, eyes sharp. “But there’s no way he’d cheat on me. He’s utterly and deeply devoted to me and our relationship. He would never even consider it. So you must all be lying,” Daishou announces. “I’d appreciate it if you stopped harassing my fiancé now. We have a wedding gala to attend to-"

“Stop!” A voice yells from the corner of the diner. The five of them all look over in that direction, seeing Kunimi standing there, looking fiercely determined. At his side is Kindaichi, tugging at his sleeve for him to sit down anxiously. “Oikawa-senpai, I’m pregnant.” 

The whole diner turns silent, if it hadn’t been before. “What?!” Oikawa exclaims.

“And you’re the father,” Kunimi finishes.

“I’m leaving,” Oikawa’s date finally says, getting to his feet. He chucks a few notes on the table and high-tails it out of there, ignoring the rest of the patrons of the silent diner. Once he’s left, Oikawa bursts into laughter. The rest of them follow his lead, completely guffawing over the scenario they just played out.

“Holy shit,” Oikawa manages to say between laughter, “That was the best moment of my life,” he cries, wiping away tears.

“I didn’t even know Kunimi was here,” Bokuto laughs.

“Kuroo-chan, that performance was incredible,” Oikawa says, putting a hand on his shoulder. Kuroo shrugs it off instantly, before shrugging at Oikawa’s confused expression.

“You broke my imaginary heart Tooru, don’t try and get back in my pants so quickly."

“I wasn’t! I, augh -“ Oikawa says, before laughing again.

“Daishou’s performance really brought it all home I think,” Bokuto says, wiping a tear. 

“I don’t think that guy will interested in you any longer, Oikawa-kun,” Daishou smiles devilishly. 

“I should think not,” Oikawa smiles. 

Kuroo feels his phone vibrate in his pocket and tugs it out, taking a quick selfie of them all to remember the event, before checking the notification. 

 

_**New Notification from Hinder:** _

_Sawamura Daichi  needs help. Will you help him?_

 

Kuroo smirks mischievously. “You guys up for another round?"

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr: bloody-boi.tumblr.com  
> haikyuu captain tumblr: captain-volleyball.tumblr.com
> 
> twitter: @sneezepit


End file.
